Finding Happy

Its hard to make everyone happy. In fact, It might even be impossible. I honestly believe that I am a degree of crazy. I dont think they have a name for my crazy cause its entirely possible that I'm the only one with this form of the insanity. (I don't count my OCD as part of this crazy) I'd love to be able to explain why I do the things I do and why I'm living my life. I can only think of one way to say it. EVERYTHING I do, I do to keep myself sane.

I cant believe how powerful the mind is. On top of that I cant handle how strong emotions get. It blows my mind how one persons phone call, one persons smile, even just one persons preasance can change my entire day. Its beautiful to me how much you can feel for someone. Beautiful but back to the crazy...I don't think i was meant to love people. When I do I always find a way to sabotage the bond I've formed. I don't believe people are meant to be alone but sometimes i have to wonder. How the heck does everyone do it? Is that why people lie? How can you love so many people and keep them loving you.

I have a good friend who always says how pain lets us know that we're living. Without pain we would not know happiness. I admire this person to death because when they say it they mean it. I wish I could smile at the beast the way they do. Instead I do everything I have to to avoid feeling any pain. In my head I agree entirely, but my actions keep me safe. I'm sick of being afraid of feeling.

I dont regret anything I did in my life, I will learn from the things i do and take things in stride. My mom asked me to make a goal this week. My goal is to not let negative thoughts into my life. People are beautiful and so is the world. Everyone is here to help each other. I want to be part of the lifting. God love us.