My Rock Star is Flat

So here counts number three in my eight grave yard shifts. This is really the only time I like this. I think when I'm tired I have much more of an opinion. Usually I just let everyone else do the talking and opinion stating. Once I get tired I decide its my turn and all you better just watch out.

I swear this is just a horrible Deja Vu. I sit in this chair watching movies. Movies? Usually fun. Now, hell. My eyes have this problem where they want to close when its normally time to sleep. Last night my genius told me to try a rockstar. At one point last my legs felt like they were floating independently, but, at least my eyes were wide open. I'm going to try pure will power tonight.

Back to the opinion stating....
When I meet people I have a horrible first impression. I think that I get this bad impression because I dont talk for the first while that I mean someone, unless its work related. Its not cause I'm pissed and its not because I'm shy. **My thoughts** "What better way is there to get to know somebody then by simply watching and listening?" It takes me about an hour to decide what relationship me and new person are going to end up with. They dont always know that we're about to be best friends forever and buy matching braclets, they probably think I hate them. Its really not that hard to be liked. All you have to do is be as real as you are. As soon as I feel like someone says something to impress and build themselves up I loose interest. Keep in mind, I dont have a fair standard becuase I often fall short of my own expectations.
Mostly it just hurts my body to listen to other girls suck up and say things they dont mean, agree with things they dont actually agree with and laugh at things I know they dont think are funny. Fake laughter only convinces fake people.

Rebel without a cause

Today was a tough day.
Woke up just like any old day in Provo at my cousin Courtney's house. Since I'm alone I eat a guiltless bowl of cereal, scrambled eggs AND some fakey sausage. I also added ketchup. Dont judge me.
So I'm leaving her house and as I'm closing the door I think to myself...."Do i lock the door? Courtney usually makes fun of me and my over locking anything i own with a lock"....After a few hesitant moments i figure I'll lock it for Sir Tobens saftey.
Around Four thirty Courtney texts me and asks me if it was me that locked the door.
Turns out they dont have the house key and the ol' husband has to go to the land lady to get in the house. Turns out Land lady dosen't like that and I no longer am able to sleep over. I've never been banned from anywhere and I kinda had a hope that if I ever was it would be for something so much more cool then that. Thats what i get for splurging with that amazing breakfast.
Post Blog.
Working two weeks worth of grave yard shift. Lots of blogs to come.

Finding Happy

Its hard to make everyone happy. In fact, It might even be impossible. I honestly believe that I am a degree of crazy. I dont think they have a name for my crazy cause its entirely possible that I'm the only one with this form of the insanity. (I don't count my OCD as part of this crazy) I'd love to be able to explain why I do the things I do and why I'm living my life. I can only think of one way to say it. EVERYTHING I do, I do to keep myself sane.

I cant believe how powerful the mind is. On top of that I cant handle how strong emotions get. It blows my mind how one persons phone call, one persons smile, even just one persons preasance can change my entire day. Its beautiful to me how much you can feel for someone. Beautiful but back to the crazy...I don't think i was meant to love people. When I do I always find a way to sabotage the bond I've formed. I don't believe people are meant to be alone but sometimes i have to wonder. How the heck does everyone do it? Is that why people lie? How can you love so many people and keep them loving you.

I have a good friend who always says how pain lets us know that we're living. Without pain we would not know happiness. I admire this person to death because when they say it they mean it. I wish I could smile at the beast the way they do. Instead I do everything I have to to avoid feeling any pain. In my head I agree entirely, but my actions keep me safe. I'm sick of being afraid of feeling.

I dont regret anything I did in my life, I will learn from the things i do and take things in stride. My mom asked me to make a goal this week. My goal is to not let negative thoughts into my life. People are beautiful and so is the world. Everyone is here to help each other. I want to be part of the lifting. God love us.

The working class and 24

I've been watching the third season of 24 the past few days. Turns out when I'm watching a series on DVD or reading a book I start to loose the line between reality and fiction(yes, I'm still wondering where Edward ran off to). The story becomes my life. So, now I'm sitting here thinking any minute some guest is going to call down and inform me that they plan on releasing a weaponized virous into our AC system which is going to kill us all unless i get them in touch with the president. Then I remember that I dont know the president, in fact I dont even know who the mayor is. Suddenly I realize, my long time love, jack, will not be coming to save me. Thats why work is hard.

Thats all.